kiss away the pain.

rrie @ 2007-07-12T20:16:00

2007-07-12T12:18:42Z

Dear, these few days hasnt been easy. and as we're approaching our 9th month, i just hope things will get better. that we'll return to what we use to be. with pride aside and just us. feeling each other from the heart. communicating from the heart, understanding towards each other. just so be there for each other.

as we step onto our 9 month mark, we much have faith in ourselves and God. we must. we musnt let anyone or anything bring us down. together, nothing can and nothing will bring us down.

i know my tantrums are terrible lately. i thank you for being so tolerant and everything else. as for your selfish requests, i suppose i di understand them. and i hope oyu understand my position too.

when we feel like hope is gone, lets stick together and be strong.

rrie @ 2007-07-10T19:36:00

2007-07-10T12:16:09Z

i've been so moody and so stuffed up lately. getting worried by stuff that are so so minor. it really doesnt help with daddy putting me down about my dsa applications. keep harping on the fact that i cant study thats why im going for dsa auditions.

im sorry im not as smart as iris, charles or krystal. i just am like that. why cant he for once accept me just as i am without complaining ? sometimes i really doubt how much he loves me and wonder if sometimes he regret having me.

yes, dsa applications. i dont have a good feeling about my prelims. which is why im applying. but yet i cant do anything about it except to wait.

school. amaths is a MAJOR problem. i wayyyyyyy behind. i suck at it. i want to do it, i want to TRY. but everytime i try to listen i find myself lost. i find myself getting bored. "i just cant i just cant" is what runs through my mind automatically whenever i try. and i know by not trying my best i am failing people who love me.

prelim is in 7 weeks and im still getting tons of distractions here and there. i feel the drive but i've seem to lost the stamina.

and lately, i feel so distant from everyone. it's like i cant talk openly to anyone anymore. just this really distant feeling which i hate. suddenly nobody seems to understand me, suddenly nobody wants to understand me.

and i've been lacking in my spiritual life. falling asleep almost every night even before i can finish praying. sigh. i even feel so far from God.

i pray all these will soon be over, i pray for things to be like what it was. i pray that I'll continue to see God in my life. i pray that i'll be loved.

rrie @ 2007-06-26T21:28:00

2007-06-26T13:34:09Z

i feel like crying now. just bursting out into tears. my heart aches. like a million needles piercing into it. i dont want to feel this way but i cant seem to control my emotions and feelings.

im so confused i dont even know what to say. all i know is that i once more want to feel wanted, needed, loved and courted. shit i hate this feeling.

today while crossing the road, this car came horning at me. now i wish it's breaks werent working and WHAM. then i wouldnt have to feel this way now.

i dont know where to spill all my troubles. i dont know what's wrong. i dont know i dont know i dont know.

yes i still love you.
all i was waiting for was those three words.
to see it, hear it and feel it.
but it never came.

rrie @ 2007-06-22T23:33:00

2007-06-22T15:42:34Z

so i didnt get through TJ via dsa. it's so painful you know ? it's like telling you

"you're not good enough"

i feel so discouraged. it hurts. the rejection hurts. its so painful. it's a feeling whereby "they do not want you" it's so.. painful. i just feel like crying. just going under the blanket and just cry my heart out. just.. cry. i dont know how to describe the pain the rejection and the emotional knot i have in me now.

i feel so discouraged to even try for other JC's. cos now i know im not good enough. probably all these years in KC, the drama experience just isnt enough. or maybe..

i just suck at drama. i dont even belong to drama. i dont even know why im in it. this whole dsa thing just goes to show that im not good enough. yea. i think that's it..

so the next thing, how to face my parents ?
my dad was so excited he even asked "so can buy uniform already ah ?"
and i really hate to disappoint him. i really dont know how to tell my parents. i dont even know why i applied for dsa. im so afraid of judgement yet im signing up to be judged. wtf.

sorry to those who had so much hopes in me i guess. failing you all was something i never wanted to do, but i guess i just did.

rrie @ 2007-06-21T21:39:00

2007-06-21T13:48:32Z

4 years in drama club. these 4 years ican say i've given my all for drama. every year i will do my best. looking back, it's probably the only thing i will be proud of when i step out of kc and if i dont get good results. however, with all the hardwork, what do i get in return ? nothing but unneeded fame. indeed i have learnt alot. but what crushes me is whenever i think of how my batch wasnt even given the chance to be in the committee. instead, the place of president went to a sec 5 girl. and the place of a vice president went to a sec 3 girl. no, i do not hate them. i love them as friends.

but what puzzles me is WHY ? why werent we given the chance ? you mean, all these years of slogging out, i do not deserve to be in committee ?! it's okay. i've gotten over than period. and know that we give without expecting anything in return. maybe the return i got was the most inaluable experience each year had to offer.

however, now that a serious problem as occurred. im held responsible. why ? because im most senior among all. it pains to know that i am most senior, yet i do not get recognised for my efforts i've put in the past four years by denying my batch the chance to be in committee. dont get me wrong. i'd love to be president. but i do not hate anyone because i am not.

the point is, nobody (i think) in our batch was given the chance. is that fair to us sec 4's ? for some who have given their all as well. is it fair to us ? and when something happens, we are responsible because we are most senior.

oh well. a responsibility i will carry even though i feel it shouldnt be mine. i'll just let the love for my juniors pull me through this. and hopefully things will go well. keeping in mind that i give and serve without expecting anything in return.

i am a kc drama girl. i serve my club with love. without expecting anything in return. God please give me the wisdom to handle this situation well. please grant me the strength to stay strong and firm in whatever decision i make. to be my guide and my light. to remind me that recognition is only material. the invaluable experience is truly the return and so are the many things i've learnt.

rrie @ 2007-06-20T22:42:00

2007-06-20T14:56:09Z

now i can flutter my eye lashes better than you darling ! hahahaha ! my eye lash extensions will allow me to fluuter them better than you !

today i had an argument with daddy. and i realise, im not a stay at home person. i dont like to be controlled. i guess there is a technique to control me. but it's not easy to do so. it's got nothing to do with my home enviroment or anything. my new home is wonderful. but everytime im home, all i hear is daddy nagging. which irritates me.

after a while, its instilled in me that home=daddys nagging. thats why i dont like to be at home. and i just looove being outside. and yes, i hate being controlled. you can say im a freedom lover kid. sigh.

all these years, i've tried ways and means to improve my relationship with my dad. but it's gone to a point where i can even lie to him without feeling bad at all. cos i know, if i speak the truth, he wont be able to accept it. i'll get in trouble so will mommy and godma.

sometimes i really dont know how else to handle it. and when people tell him about his faults, he brushes it aside and thinks he's right and almighty. he never listens. oh well.

our beliefs are so different. our view on life is so different. yet our character is so similar. i guess thats why we fight so often.

here's how different we are.
1. i believe in God. he doesnt. he thinks they dont exist. and eventually if he goes to church, it'll be for social reasons. he doesnt believe that God is constantly present.

2. he doesnt treasure friends. to him, friends are there for his benefit. if they benefit him, their his friend. if not, their not "worthy" to be friends.

3. he doesnt believe in partying. that explains his limited social circle.

and many many more. ahhhhh. sigh.

rrie @ 2007-06-19T23:20:00

2007-06-19T15:39:42Z

my radio is playing class95. "because of you" by kelly clarkson is on. just as im listening im reflecting.

today i was out with piggy practically the whole day. we've come a long long way. the past 8 months has been one of the best. i've learned so much. we've learnt to much about each other and about the relationship itself.

and reading the letter he wrote this afternoon, about how i've affected his life in so many ways i think i feel the same way. he's left this great great impact on my life. changed my views on so many things and brought me to a whole new world, showing me different aspects of so many things.

i cant imagine life without him for now. it's quite impossible. i've grown to learn to depend on him. i've grown to have absolute trust in him and i've grown to accept every aspect of him.

relationship no longer means just looking for a companion to ease your boredom. it's.. different. it's about being God's presence to each other. it's about being there to share all joy and sorrow. it's about accepting everything about each other. it's about being open with each other.

and when nobody understand you. when nobody is there for you, you know that this very special person will be there. to support, guide and listen. it's this special lovely feeling which isnt too complicated to feel. it isnt. all it needs is a pure heart and the purest of emotion.

every night before i sleep i never fail to thank God for blessing me with him. for giving us the spark at novena. for allowing us to meet at asean dance and for everything he has been to me. what the future holds, we both dont know. nobody knows. but all i know is that im thankful for this period of my life. and even 20 years down the road, if things are screwed up, i'll look back and tell myself im happy with this part of my life. and i have learnt alot.

rrie @ 2007-06-19T00:13:00

2007-06-18T16:15:55Z

so cool ! maybe i'll shift here (: i like the mood thingy !